Men Versus Women

Nicknames:
if emma, suzanne, debra and michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other emma, suzanne, debra and michelle. but if mike, phil, rob and jack go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as fat boy, godzilla, peanut-head and useless.

Eating out:
when the bill arrives, mike, phil, rob and jack will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. none of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want changeback. when the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money:
a man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. a woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

The Phone:
men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Bathrooms:
a man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the holiday inn. the average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. a man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Arguments:
a woman has the last word in any argument. anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Happiness:
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Future:
a woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success:
a successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. a successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage:
a woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. a man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Handwriting:
to their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "b" and "g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Dressing up:
a woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. a man will dress up for weddings, funerals.

Natural:
men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring:
ah, children. a woman knows all about her children. she knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. a man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.